Chunk 42: Ciao for now, Donald.
You are probably aware that it has become common practice for an outgoing US president to leave a handwritten note for his successor.
And so it was with Donald Trump, who left what Joe Biden described as a “very generous letter”. Although Biden refused to detail its contents, following considerable effort, the publishers of America in Chunks have managed to come into possession of a copy.
Dear Joe,
Hey, I just learned your middle name is Robinette. That’s a bit girly for a commander in chief, isn’t it? John: now there’s a middle name a sailor can really stand and salute.
Anyway, some of my advisers (well, the few that remained after that whole CNN beat-up “ransacking the capital” thing) told me I should leave you with a few parting words.
Normally, I would just tweet something out, but it looks like I’ve somehow gone and lost all my posting privileges. Likewise with Facebook. And YouTube. Maybe I should just make you a collage and stick it on Pinterest! Hahahaha.
First up, it seems there wasn’t quite enough room in the moving truck for my sunbed, so I left it in the White House residence. You can have it - they have plenty of natural sunlight in Florida. I generally found that the “Mediterranean” setting did the trick for my skin. Only set it to “Caribbean” if you’re feeling particularly pasty - or if you hear some news that makes you feel like all the blood has just drained away from your face. Although I can’t imagine what that might be, given the great shape I left things in.
Oh, come on, it can’t be all that bad, can it? You’ve been chasing this job for 30 years! I know you think you’ve inherited a bit of a mess. Alright, an enormous mess. However, in my defense (going to be giving that line quite a workout, aren’t I?), I did try and take the mess off you right up until just a few weeks ago. But, noooo, Mr “Let’s Follow the Constitution” had to go and insist he won the election. So, in a way, this is all kind of your fault, right?
But while we’re on the subject, does anyone really believe I lost Georgia? I mean, it’s GEORGIA for Christ’s sake. Do you know how many times I held rallies down there? If I have to hear “Georgia on my mind” one more time I’ll go nuts! Seriously, I hope that Ray Charles guy just drops dead.
Anyway, a few bits of final housekeeping …
I know it’s a tradition for a form… a forme… (sorry, I’m still having a little trouble getting this out) a former president (phew!) to have their portrait hang somewhere in the White House. Ideally, I think mine should sit beside the 82-inch flat-screen I had installed in the private study (head out of the Oval, first room on your left). That’s where I spent most of my time. That or in the kitchen near the ice cream fridge. Certainly don’t put it in the room where Melania slept - I never stepped foot in there once.
Speaking of Melania, she finally got around to finishing that new tennis court. I don’t know if you play tennis, but I always found it a good stress release to smack balls at my son, Eric. If you want me to send him around, just let me know. (Please.)
Well, I guess I should be going. No doubt you have plenty to do, and I have a second impeachment trial to prepare for (Rudy says hi). Give my best to Chairman Kim, and I’ll do likewise for you to Vladimir.
Ciao for now,
Donald
