Chunk 26: Thinking of you.
Your Excellency Mr President,
I have found myself overcome with inconsolable shock and distress at the news that despite your superior countenance and vitality, you have fallen victim to the most wicked of airborne viruses, Covid 19. If true, surely someone in your eminence’s inner circle must be held accountable for your exposure and made to pay for their insolence? Allow me to suggest that this arrogant traitor be immediately mauled by a pack of starving ravenous dogs, the fate that befell my treacherous uncle. Another alternative: execute them with anti-aircraft guns and incinerate their despicable corpse with flamethrowers. Also good.
Best,
Kim Jong-un
Supreme Leader of the DPRK
Dear President Trump,
We’ve not really spoken since Hurricane Maria smashed into Puerto Rico, you declared me “incompetent” and then flew in to throw toilet paper at us. But that’s all water under the bridge now. Not our bridges, of course: we still don’t have any real infrastructure. But this is about you, not us. So, to show there are no hard feelings, how about you tell us anything you need while you’re in hospital and we’ll see if we can get it for you? If you just open your window, we’ll try to throw it through.
Fax us your list,
Carmen Yulin Cruz,
Mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico
Dear Mr President
I am sorry to hear that you are unwell and send the best wishes for a speedy recovery from all of the Danish people. In the event that you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. Except for Greenland. Anything but that. Once again, it is not for sale.
Warmest regards,
Mette Frederiksen
Prime Minister of Denmark
Mr President,
Allow me to express the sympathies of all citizens of the People’s Republic of China on catching the kung-flu … oops, I’m sorry, I mean the Coronavirus. If there is anything we can do to help battle through the China virus … oops, apologies again, I mean Covid 19, you know how to reach us. In the meantime, we have put together a special care package from Wuhan that should be with you any day now. Feel free to share it around.
Sincerely,
Xi Jinping
General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party
Dear Infidel,
Death to America! Yours would be a very good start.
God is great!
Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei
Supreme Leader of Iran
Dear President Trump,
Nana Addo Dankwa Akufo-Addo here, President of Ghana. You might not remember me, but we met on the sidelines at the 72nd Session of the United Nations General Assembly back in 2017? Anyway, I wanted to write a note to your charming wife, First Lady Melania Trump, who visited us back in 2018, and wish her a full and timely recovery from the coronavirus, but then my head of protocol said it would be considered rude not to send you one as well. So, speaking on half of all the “shithole” African nations, I hope you’re doing okay in hospital. Generally they serve ice-cream, which I understand you’re a big fan of.
Yours truly,
Nana Addo Dankwa Akufo-Addo
President of Ghana
Dear President Trump,
I feel terrible. Obviously, not as bad as you must, but still, kinda awful. If only there was something that I could do to help you out of your current predicament?... I know! I saw on CNN a report that you’re taking some experimental drugs. You’re always telling people how many drugs we have down here over the border, so perhaps we could bring you some? Perhaps we could have them delivered by the people who have a lot of problems, the ones who are bringing you all the crime? The rapists? Given how little of your border wall is completed, they should have no trouble getting in.
Let me know,
Andres Manual Lopez Obrador
President of Mexico
Mr President,
I tried calling the office, but they said you’d be off sick for a few days. I was wondering whether, when you get back in, you could please give me a call? We finally finished your tax audit and have a few questions, specifically about that $72.9 million tax credit you claimed a few years back? Just be good to clear things up.
Yours sincerely,
Charles P. Rettig
Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service
Dear Donald,
Good; very good. Exactly as we planned. Tell Comrade Pence we are moving to Stage 2.
Vladimir Putin
President of the Russian Federation
